No name

Each night I find myself sitting against the tree,
Hating myself, locking my heart and throwing away the key,
I sit there and wait, just hoping for the someone who may care,
No one ever comes, nor will they I am aware.
I sit beneath the weeping willow,
Its leaves and shade make my soothing pillow,
Aye, my tears are just fuel for my restless dreams,
Then again, my existence is nothing as it seems.

It all began from a time I am unaware,
I had no friends, no love to share,
My heart shattered, the core went rotten,
My happy days long since forgotten.
My desire in life is simply to die,
I'm sick and tired of having to be in agony and cry,
My parents, family, classmates, they just build it,
They look at me as a mistake, best to fix it.
They hand me the rope and the chair with a smile,
They play it off like they care for a while.
Then they shut the door and sit by the bay,
"Whatever happens, happens," they always say.
The disappointment on their face when I live,
I must be a curse they seek God to forgive.
I'm constantly belittled and told to die.
The moments of love they give are but a lie.

Father who art in heaven, why must I suffer more?
Why have you made collecting my tears a chore?
How have I deserved this? How have I failed you and what must I do?
What more can I do just to please you?
Make this stop, let it end,
Give me love or just a friend.
End this nightmare just for once, even for a moment.
Just stop, stop making everything my opponent!
I cry every night and fake every day.
I make people happy with the words that I say.
Why can't I just sit back and be happy or glad?
WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME SO SAD?!

No, you don't care, just like the others,
Just like mother, father and his brothers,
Just like my crush and my exes whom I love,
You're just toying with me, laughing from above.
I'll never get better, this I know,
I have no people to love, no paradise to go,
Perhaps my life will end soon so I may rest,
Let's cross our fingers and hope for the best.
Well it's a long way down to hell when you're alone.
Although my life isn't much worse, no one cares to pick up the phone.
Perhaps I'll just stay here while the world becomes a hate billow,
Just stay here...with my weeping willow.

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/the-weeping-willow-pain

More Snow

Okay, it's April 17, 2018, and guess what it's SNOWING!!! Are you kidding me, yup it's Ohio for you but not more than 4 days ago I was sitting outside most the day in shorts and a tank top for two days. Nice weather needs to just happen. Tired of the rain and snow! What is the world coming to end due to this weather! Are we going to have a longer summer does this mean? I bet some kind study has been done for this and all kinds theories out in the world right now. All I know is this snow and rain makes me never want to leave my house or do anything due to this weather. I want to go outside and start my garden but never know when the snow will stop!!

IM NOT OKAY AND I WILL NEVER BE OKAY

This Is My Nightmare That I Want To End
Do You know what is like to make yourself feel pain
Just trying to ease the hurting inside
Do you know what its like to put yourself through hell
Just so a few secrets you could hide

Do you know what its like to hurt so much
That every morning and you just wish to die
Do you know what is like to get home at night
And have nothing to do but cry

Do you know what its like to cut so deep
That you think that its finally the end 
Do you know what is like to have a broken heart
That just seems like it can never heal

Do you know what its like to be so alone
And all you need is a confidant, a friend
Do you know what its like to hurt so much
That you just want to make it all end

Do you know what its like to be standing there
On the crossroads of life and death
Do you know what its like to make the decision
To take your last and final breath

Do you know what I go through every day 
How I feel I guess you dont have a clue
You don't even try to understand my life
Why do you judge me then 

You have no idea how I live
But you still judge me
You criticize me everyday 
Everyday it seems like I make a mistake 

Your here to ruin my life
Let me tell you that youre doing a very good job at it
Sometimes I just wish that I was not here
I just want to take my last breath

I just want to scream Shut Up, 
But I never do 
Do you know how its like being me 
You have no idea

Sometimes I think my hate and misery will kill you all 
I just want to shout 
I just want to die
I want my nightmare to end tonight

Tonight I want my nightmare to end 
I guess things are not what they use to be 
I have enemies everywhere I go and
Your one of them

I guess everyone is to damn busy to take me serious
They only take you serious 
I just get in everyones way
I dont belong here or any where 

But you have to listen to me 
I'm telling you the truth 
I mean this 
IM NOT OKAY AND I WILL NEVER BE OKAY 

All the pain I feel 
This is too much 
I just cant take it 
Someone just take the pain away 

You just like to bring me down 
I'm the loser, you love to hate
Do you just love to make me feel hurt 
Do you know how its to cry all day and night? 

I just want you to take this away from me 
Before its too late 
Just take my life away 
My life just isnt want its suppose to be 

My heart is so broken 
Its broken into many pieces 
It will take so long to put it back together 
My time is not worth to fix my heart

I hate the crazy word I'm livening in called my life 
I hate that my friend suffer with my problems 
I just hate that I become this person 
Theres no way back to a normal life 

Life will be so much better with out me 
People are ashamed to know me 
I'm just someone that you love to hate 
The only thing Im good at is being hate at

My mistakes ruin my life 
So did you 
Its not wroth livening 
If I have to live this way I shouldn't live at all

Do you know how I feel? 
No you dont 
You dont have an idea what I go threw everyday 
Do you enjoy making fun of me all the time? 

Why did you pick me? 
Why did you have to be this way? 
Why did you have to ruin my life? 
If you can be smart for one time take what I feel away from me 

This is like a nightmare that I want to get out of 
But this is really my life 
Well God save me please 
Because I dont think Ill make it through tonight 

I just want to be gone tonight 
So tomorrow people I know will start a new life 
Everyone will be happy from that day on 
But why cant you take my life away 

Maybe if you give me another chance
For a different life 
A life without Hate or Misery 
Things will change I promised, but we all know we only get one life 

Sorry for my bad thoughts 
All those thoughts are here and in my mind 
I just want to forget you and all the hurt you give me 
I wish you can forget me, but dont hurt anyone else 

Everything you got to say 
You say it in my face 
Everyone is with you 
I got no one on my side 

No matter what you say nothings is going to change my mind 
Its not worth livening 
If you keep on hurting me 
Do you how I feel now 

Theres no one else to blame 
The only person that is to blame 
For this life of mine 
Is me

I feel like I dont give a damn
For my life is not what I want it to be 
I wish that my life was like yours 
Just that I will never make someone suffer like your making me suffer 

Is there anyone that can safe me 
Can anyone tell me what should I do? 
Can someone please tell me whats going one? 
So I wont be fill with this hate and misery 

I'm in the edge of live and death 
But I prefer to be near death 
I just cant live 
I just want to die and get my nightmare over 

This is my Nightmare 
I just want it to end 
So tonight i'll die slowly and romantic